Want To...Stuff my Face

Yesterday I posted that I was taking a week from media (obviously blogging doesn't count) to refocus and gain some perspective. I summed it up pretty well with "What do I want this new year to look like for me?" That is a very good question.

So, Tuesday being the first day of my mini-challenge, you'd expect that I went home, was strong and walked past the TV to the kitchen, where I made a healthy dinner and then was productive the rest of the evening, right?

Yeah, no. That definitely did not happen. Bad habits are hard to break. It's funny as I've already given up TV before and for way longer than a couple of days. But it was hard.

And, honestly, I failed.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that to people. I was really really reeeeally tempted to lie or avoid the truth about what actually happened last night. But that would be wrong. The truth will set you free, right? So I'm telling the truth. Here is my story:

I worked open to close yesterday. That is not an excuse, just a fact. It's a ten-hour work day, give or take, which is a long time to be stuck in the box that is my office building. So, when I got off work, I was not in the mood to "be good."

First, I had to "run a few errands". At least, that is how I described it to my co-worker when she asked about my evening. Yes, I had to run and pick up a few things. At the mall. At Dillards. In the bra section. Let's just say, with recent weight gain, some things were getting a little....tight. The problem, however, was after that. I lingered in the store. I shopped around. I very nearly bought more than I was supposed to, things I didn't need. I was only shopping because of a long cruddy day. It's one of my mechanisms, like eating. It's also why I have budgeting problems.

But that's not the failure. The failure came later....

On my way out of the mall, I bought a cinnamon roll. For the record, it was delicious. But I didn't need it. I didn't need to spend the money on it, or the calories. But that isn't the failure either.

I got home, greeted my cat, and stripped off my coat and jacket etc. Then I stood in my living room staring at my television. Specifically, the power button. I wrestled with myself for probably ten seconds. I knew I was taking a break from it. I shouldn't turn it on. I said I wouldn't. But I was tired, and a relaxing evening in front of Netflix was tempting....oh so tempting.

Then.... *dramatic music* I pressed the power button. Yes, I gave in and watched TV after I said I wouldn't. I told myself it was okay because no one would ever find out. Who would know? Who would even really care?

But that's not the point. The point is I said I was going to do something--something that would do be a load of good--and I went back on my word. It doesn't matter that no one will find out (though, now they do) it matters that I broke the promise, even if it was just a promise to myself.

The consequences of it, of course, was that I didn't do anything else. I watched Netflix, made a quick, easy dinner, and sat on the sofa and ate my chicken and rice while watching a fantasy romance movie. I didn't do the dishes. I didn't do any laundry. I didn't think about what I wanted, what I desired, or how to accomplish it. I didn't refocus. I was focused on the same thing I always am--my stomach and the TV.

I hated myself for it. When the movie ended, I promptly switched it off and climbed into bed, feeling guilty for what I'd done. It may not sound like a huge deal. It's not a big sin. It's not much of a sin at all. I just watched a little television, right? But it's not about what I did but more about what I didn't do. I didn't keep my promise.

I wrote a short entry in my journal last night about it. Still sort of finding excuses for myself. No one will know. I'll just start again tomorrow. It's fine. No big deal. I had a good reason for doing it....

Then the guilt and conviction set in a little deeper. It's not fine. It's not okay. It is a big deal. If I can't go one day without something as frivolous as TV, how do I expect to ever have the will and motivation to give up something I enjoy even more--junk food.

This brings me to this morning and my renewed spirit. I packed a healthy lunch (fruit, pretzels, and a turkey sandwich) and, on my way out the door, I grabbed my copy of Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst.

I've read the book before. I did a study group with some women from church a few summers back, and it went really well. Its not about weight, but about cravings. What am I craving vs. what SHOULD I be craving? AKA: God.

Instead of playing on my phone as usual (slow morning at work) I pulled out my book and read the introduction. Just the introduction. (so far). Let me just say this: Never in my life has eight pages ever spoken so directly to my heart.

I have, in the past, had the intention of re-reading the study, but I always set it aside and never finished it. I think I've read the first chapter five times, though the other chapters have only been read once. I am hoping this time is different. I feel like it is.

The introduction is called "Finding your 'want to'" . This is an important first step, despite it's lesser "introduction" status. Often people skip right over introductions in books, but in this case, they'd be missing a key part of the journey: you have to know what you want.

Ironic that this was the very thing I intended to figure out this week.

Lisa says on the first page, "It's not the 'how to' I'm missing. It's the 'want to'... really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice" (page 11).

This is a very big deal of a statement, and hits hard like a brick wall to my face. I know how to do it. I know the drill. Eat right. Excersise. blah blah blah. I know how.

But my "want to" has to be worth the sacrfice of my junk food, the sacrifice of my lazy nights on the sofa. But, as she says later, "shallow desires produce only shallow efforts" (page 16).

Explanation? I can't just want to look better in a swimsuit. I can't just want to be skinny for skinny's sake. For so long, I wanted to lose weight because society said I wasn't beautiful unless I did. Fat, overweight, chubby girls are not pretty, according to media. No one wants to be with the fat girl. So lose weight, and suddenly--poof!--you'll be popular and pretty and your true love will ride up on his white steed--or red sports car--and you'll drive off into the sunset together. And all because you got skinny.

That is what my mind told me for a long time. It still tries to tell me that, and I have to force myself to fight it with every fiber of my being because, in case you weren't already aware, THAT IS A LIE!

But "shallow desires" can be interrpreted in a number of ways. That is just my big one. The point is, if that's the only reason I want it, then I will never be successful. My "want to" has to go deeper. Lisa splits it into three categories: Spiritually, Physically, and Mentally. Each part has its place, and an important one, but they are linked to the source--the deeper "want to" that we are implored to find in the introduction of her book.

So what is my "want to"? I am physically overweight and spiritually malnourished and mentally... well, its crazy up there. So why do I want to lose weight? Why do I want to be healthy, be active, etc etc blah blah blah?

It can't be for someone else. It can't be because I want to impress someone else. It can't be because I hope, once I am skinny, someone will finally want me.

God already wants me. Already claims me. My "want to" has to be rooted in him, or it will have no success. I've already tried it on my own, and I've failed over and over and over again. I can't beat this by myself. I can't beat this by human willpower alone. I need God, permeating every part of my life in order to find what I've been missing.

There is a lot packed into those first eight pages, a lot of which touched me and spoke to me in a big way. Alas, this post is already pretty long, so I won't get into it. I really recommend that you read it yourself and find out. Hint: It doesn't have to just apply to food.

So. What is my "want to"?

I want to....
crave God instead of food.
grow closer to God instead of closer to the couch.
find fullfillment in God instead of shopping (or other shallow desires).

What are yours?