Hermitage and Other Solutions to an Anxious Heart

My Made to Crave book is currently sitting on my coffee table, drying out. It's sitting next to my writing notebook and my broken water bottle. I'm a bit upset by this because it was a new bottle and was bright pink. RIP pink water bottle.

But the book is soaked. Something bled on it, so it's wet and tinted blue. Great. I'll never mistake it for someone else's copy now, huh?

The bummer is I was planning on reading the next chapter today. Well, no chapter but I will still attempt a blog post.

It has been unseasonably warm lately, which is wonderful. The sun is shining and everything is so...happy. But, of course, it is not to last. The weather man claims Monday is supposed to bring with it a foot of snow. Yuck! The weather here is as moody as my food cravings.

While I enjoy the warm weather, I am already mentally dreading the snow forecast. My head is screaming anxiously about everything that could possibly go wrong, and maybe I should just give in and become a hermit now to save me the pain.

As I've shared in the past, I struggle with anxiety in various ways. One of the big triggers is unfamiliarity, like meeting new people. The other is things I can't control, like the weather. Specifically, anything other than  clear skies and clean roads.

When anxiety hits I usually do one of a few things. I try to ignore it until it blows up in my face in a different way. I.E. snapping at someone who didn't do anything wrong or eating the entire contents of my fridge.

Or I avoid. I barricade myself inside, away from anything that could possibly go wrong or upset me. This usually results with spending days shut away, in bed, ignoring my phone. This also happens when my depression gets particularly debilitating and results in phone calls from my parents wondering if I'm alive.

The other thing that happens is super-planning. My mind goes into overdrive thinking of everything that could go wrong and how I would handle it. Doesn't sound like a bad thing, but when you're planning for an apocalyptic flat tire in a blizzard with an ax murderer, there is a small problem. It is also extremely time consuming reviewing all of the possibilities in my head. Who has time for all that, anyway?

I'm learning to give my anxieties to God. It is NOT easy, and usually I'm halfway through it before I step back, take a deep breath, and remind myself to pray through it. It seems to be helping. My prayers are usually along the following:

Okay, God. I'm freaking out again. I gotta give this to you. I can't, but I have to. I'm worrying about something out of my control and it's pointless. Help me relax and relinquish my anxiety. I trust you will take care of me, and whatever happens is meant to happen. I'm still freaking out down here, but- *deep breaths* you got this, right?

Sometimes it takes a few cycles before I actually can relax. But when I do? Oh! I don't remember the last time I felt so.... free!

I have to continually remind myself that God is in control so I don't have to worry about anything. Lysa talks about praying through her cravings of food in her book, and I do the same thing with my anxiety, surrounding myself with the truth of scripture to get through to the peace on the other side.

In case you are in need of the same, here are a few of my faves.

Philippians 4:6 -7  do not be anxious about anything but in everything present your requests to God and the peace that transcends understanding well guard your heart and minds in Christ  Jesus.

Psalm 55:27 cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. He will never let the righteous be shaken.

Proverbs 12:25 anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up.

1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.

The Root of the Problem

I was literally chomping into a Taco Bell crunch wrap when I opened my Made To Crave book over my lunch break today. I did not bring my lunch this time, so I had to go out to eat. I told myself all morning--"Eat a salad. Eat a salad. Just go to HyVee and get a salad. You like salad. You can do a salad. Just eat a salad!" 

Guess what. I did not eat a salad. I had a craving. I wanted meaty, cheesy, crunchy goodness wrapped in a tortilla with a large mountain to top it off. So I went to Taco Bell. My weakness. I love that place....it does not love me. 

I sat in my car, eating my deliciousness, and reached over for my book. It was the other thing I'd been telling myself all morning. "Read chapter two. Don't give up now. Stick with it. Read chapter two. It's not long, do it." So, since I didn't follow through on the first promise, I figured I better on the second. So I opened to Chapter Two and read about Lysa's struggle with scale. 

She describes the same cycle that I go through every single day. Step on the scale. Don't like what it tells me, so I strip off a few more layers. Still don't like what it tells me, so I find something else to discard. In Lysa's case, its her ponytail holder. I tell myself I'm going to be good. I'm going to make smart choice. Eat better. Be better. Be awesome! What is that smell? You say you made cinnamon rolls? Do I want one, you ask? Heck, I want THREE! 

More or less, this is how it goes. Today happened to be salad vs. taco. The taco won and now, unfortunately, I am regretting that victory and wishing the salad was a better fighter. He's a pushover, that salad. 

Why do I do that? I cave to my cravings and end up feeling icky, gross, bloated, and guilty the rest of the day. But I had spending money. I'm going to eat a salad for dinner, instead.  Excuses, excuses. Always excuses. I KNOW that eating junk makes me feel like junk. I have learned that lesson over and over and over again. So why do I keep doing it? 

Because it goes deeper than that. 

I talked about in a previous post about the introduction to Made to Crave and finding the "want to" and how it has to go deeper than just shallow desires. She reiterates this in Chapter Two; "It had to be about something more than just me" (page 28). 

This going deeper theme goes both ways, however. It's not just the solution but also the problem that is rooted deep. 

When you pull a weed from a garden, merely cutting off the top doesn't solve the problem. It might make it look nicer for a day, but the problem is going to return, and probably a lot quicker than you would like. 

My issues with food are similar. Merely shaving off the shallow top isn't going to solve anything. It may make it "look nice" for a day or so, but its not a deep-rooted solution. The weed is going to keep growing back unless I go deeper. I have to uproot it completely in order to get rid of it. 

So what is rooting my bad eating habits? Its not just a habit of eating junk, or else the problem would be solved. It's not just a taste for grease over health, or else the problem would be easily fixed. It goes deeper. And once I locate that, I'm going to be easier to tug on the roots of the weed and replace it with something beautiful. 

I don't know about you, but I am an emotional eater. I do not just mean that I eat when I am upset, either. I eat when I am mad, sad, bad, guilty, happy, joyful, embarrassed, excited, nervous.... You name it, I eat it. I don't know if I could pinpoint when it started exactly, but I can say it is a pattern than I can see throughout my childhood. Ever since I can remember. Had a bad day? Eat a cookie. Had a good day? Reward yourself with some chips. Feeling sad? Ice cream. Feeling happy? Have an extra large helping at dinner. 

My childhood was not a terrible one as childhoods go. Actually, I had a pretty good one. No major traumas or dramas or anything. But I will say I am an emotional person, and more often than not, those emotions get released via food consumption. 

I was not a thin child. I was always aware that I was bigger than other kids. Looking back at pictures, I can see that I wasn't necessarily chubby, but I was still bigger than them. I remember shopping at Walmart for clothes--the old Walmart, before the Superstore, and being upset because I was a size 7 when everyone else my age was a size 6 or 6x. I remember it being a bad day because of it, because I felt like I was too big because I wasn't the same size as everyone else.

I remember other such trips that went similarly. The one I remember most is, again, shopping for clothes at Walmart. There was a particular dress I'd been eyeing for EVER. It was ankle-length or so, and blue and yellow strips. The fabric was sort of stretchy, and Mom would never let me try it on. The fabric, she said, wouldn't be flattering on me. One day, she let me try it on. But, she said, if it doesn't look good, we wouldn't get it. 

I was so excited about this dress. SO excited! I nearly skipped into the dressing room. I pulled it on and looked at myself in the mirror....turned to one side....then the other side.... and smiled. I loved it! I thought I looked good. It was cute. I was cute. We'd buy the dress and all would be right with the world! I distinctly remember silently squealing in glee and jumping up and down in the dressing room, I was so excited. 

Then I stepped OUT of the dressing room. Long story short, Mom said no. 

Now, for the record, I don't ever remember being given a specific reason for the no. There could've been a variety of reasons for her saying no. But I automatically assumed it was because I looked fat in the dress. I sulked back into the dressing room and stared at msyelf in the mirror again, pouting. I turned to one side and then the other again, staring. I didn't think I looked too bad in it. Well, my tummy wasn't exactly flat like some girls' tummy's were.... and my arms pudged a little.... 

and then I found a million little reasons to hate myself. Because of a stupid dress. What I thought a minute before had been amazing was now a disaster. Maybe I really was fat. Maybe it really was ugly on me. Maybe I was ugly. Maybe I just wasn't meant to be cute and wear cute clothes like other girls. Maybe I was too fat for that. Maybe I'd just have a frosty instead to make myself feel better.... 

Keep in mind, at this point in my life, I am about ten years old. That is a lot for a ten-year-old to deal with in the course of a few minutes. Apparently, so much so that I can still remember it vividly and still struggle with the same struggles from that dressing room. 

Why am I telling you all of this? To explain a little bit about where my bad-rooted habits come from. To show that the solution has to go just as deep as the problem. 

I can't conquer my food addiction with shallow desires. It will yield shallow results because the problem is not a shallow one. It goes deep. And so must the solution. And... *drum roll* the solution is God. 

Cheesy line? Maybe. Obvious? Probably. But it's true. Nothing and no one goes deeper than God can (and does) and thus God is the only solution. To any problem. Period.

One of the things Lysa talks about in her book is praying through cravings. Every time she got a craving, she said, she would pray through it, until, brick by brick, she dismantled her "tower of impossibility" and used them to pave a "walkway of prayer" (page 30). This concept falls along the same lines as surrounding myself with Truth to battle the cravings (or, as previously established, to battle Satan).

So. Even though I am deeply craving terrible awful un-healthiness right now and I REALLY don't want to eat that salad I planned on having for dinner, I am going to pray myself through the cravings and surround myself with Truth. And I'm going to start with the following.

1 Corinthians 10:23 "Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial."

Psalms 5:1-3 "Give ear to my words, O LORD, consider my sighing. Listen to my cry for help, my King and God, for to you I pray. In the morning, O LORD, you heard my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation."

Getting Battle-Ready

I want to start by saying that I am pretty sure I spelled the author's name wrong in my post yesterday. Her name is Lysa Terkeurst, although I am pretty positive I wrote it as "Lisa" instead. I wouldn't be a very good writer if I didn't correct my mistakes, so this is me correcting. My apologies.

 

Now on to the real purpose of my post. I am a bit suprised with myself, as this is the third day in a row I've written a post. Ironic how I can be consistent with this but when it comes to eating... I'm as unpredictable as....as, well, the future.

 

Last night went about the same as the night before. I'll save you the sob story and tell it to you short and simple: I was bad.

 

Okay, not all of it was terrible. I really have to stop focusing on the bad things and focus more on the positive. No one likes a Negative Nancy, even if its yourself.

 

So. Postive things:

 

1: I did two loads of laundry. Both towels. This is good, because I was down to my last clean towel....last week.

 

2: I talked to my accountability partner, Lori, about what I was going through emotionally and talked about a game plan for the upcoming weeks. This is good because we've been playing phone tag for two days, and it was nice to finally connect and talk to someone about everything. Someone besides paper. Paper doesn't count.

 

3: I was a little productive. By this, I mean I threw all my dirty clothes into the same pile in the closet instead of strewn across the room, and I loaded all the clean laundry into the same basket instead of piled separately on various furniture. Also, I cleaned off my coffee table and put it away. Well, out of sight. But it was progress and it was more productive than I've been in a while...

 

4: I did some yoga. While watching my movie via Netflix (yes, I know, so much for my mini-challenge. I've pretty much tossed that part out the window in the evenings) I got out my power pink yoga mat and did a little relaxing yoga. It was more for relaxation and de-stressing than anything else, which, I think, was exactly what I needed. Releasing tension, mediate a little bit, clear my mind. It was wonderful. Not very long, but wonderful.

 

5: I worked on the blanket I am crocheting. This probably should be looped in with point number 3, but that one was getting a little long. I did two rows--very looong rows--on the three-strand blanket I am working on. I've been working on it off and on for the last year. More off than on, really. But I pulled it out last night, and it inspired me to think about what other crafty projects I would want to work on, which inspired a half-hour Pintrest spree. It was grand.

 

6: This morning, I snacked on apples for breakfast instead of consuming empty calories. Because I snacked on an apple wedge here and there between work, it was enough to take the edge off of hunger and lasted long enough to get me through the ten o'clock snacking temptation.

 

7: At lunch, I stopped myself from purchasing junk food and actually ate the lunch I had packed, which consisted of fruit and a turkey sandwich. I literally put down the cheez-its and pulled out an orange instead. I was so proud of myself.

 

Which brings me to the latter half of this post. The reason I set aside the cheez-its for fruit was because I had started reading the next chapter in Lysa's book, Made to Crave. Well, it was chapter one, titled "What's really going on here?"

 

She starts off with a description of an old commercial for Weight Watchers featuring an orange monster (hunger) that follows this woman around, tempting her with unhealthy food. I remember this commerical and I remember thinking that it was a very accuruate portrayal of the day-to-day craving battles.

 

In the reflections section at the end of the chapter, she asks what we would portray hunger as if it could physically manifest itself. At first I wasn't sure. Maybe the old cartoon devil on your shoulder, encouraging bad behavior. "Its okay, go ahead. Eat it. It's not a big deal. No one will know. Who even cares?" 

 

Or maybe, I thought, it would be a black cloud hanging over my head, always haunting me--the always present craving hanging over my head, making me think the donut will make the gray cloud white, but it never does. If anything, it gets darker still from donut guilt.

 

But I think my favorite depiction of hunger would be a battle. It is a constant battle, me and Hunger, one on one in the ring, punching it out until either I give up or I conquer. More often than not, I give up and let Hunger win. After years of this, it got to the point where I stopped even trying. I'd be on the sidelines with my bag of chips and large soda waving at Hunger, triumphant, and give him a thumbs up. I let Hunger win, I wanted him to win because, as Lysa says in her book, we crave what we consume.

 

It's not a coincidence that the same analogy is used for our spiritual battle with Satan. Often, I think, people think of Satan's influence as major things--the big sins. But more often than not, his victories are small, seemingly insignificant things that give him a foothold, a step in the door. And a step in the door is all he needs.

 

Lysa talks about this very thing in her book. One example she gives is the first foothold with Eve in the garden. Satan used food--surprise surprise!--to get Eve to stumble and sin. He made it seem like it wasn't a big deal. It's okay, go ahead. Eat it. It's not a big deal. Sound familiar? Yeah. A little too familiar. But that "no big deal" was actually a big deal and, bing bang boom, everything changed.

 

She also talks about Jesus' temptation in the desert. Satan used Jesus' hunger against him--again, surprise surprise!--tempting him to turn stones to bread. Jesus fought him back with scripture, quoting, "Man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God."

 

Granted, Jesus and Satan are not literally duking it out here. Jesus doesn't punch him and Satan doesn't jab him in the gut. But there is definitely a battle happening. Satan tempts us with what he knows are our weaknesses. Jesus was hungry, in a deprived state, and so his first trick was to tempt him with food.

 

I don't know about your life, but in mine, there is a constant battle happening and, honestly, the good guy doesn't always win. Not nearly so often as he probably should. Satan knows where I'm weak, he knows where he can footholds. I wish I could say I learned from my mistakes and the next time he tried, it didn't work, but I can't say that. And I don't think I'm the only one with that struggle.

 

I need to hone my battle skills. No, I'm not going to go out and start punching things or practicing my kick, although that would probably be hilarious to watch.... I mean the same battle skills Jesus uses to battle Satan. At the end of the three temptations, Satan leaves and Jesus is victorious. Why? He used the truth of scripture to do his fighting for him.

 

I'm sure, after forty days of fasting (I think that was the time frame) he was probably very tempted by the bread offer. I am hungry after just a few hours! But he fell back on the truth to give him the strength to fight back. I need to do the same. And I'm going to start with 1 Corinthians 10:23, which says, as Lysa quotes it, "Everything is 'permissable' -- But not everything is beneficial."

 

This is an incredible important verse for me to remember. Yes, you can have that donut. But what good is it really doing you? Is it really beneficial? What will you gain by eating that donut? Is there a better choice you can be making here?

 

Everything is permissable, but not everything is beneficial.

 

Want To...Stuff my Face

Yesterday I posted that I was taking a week from media (obviously blogging doesn't count) to refocus and gain some perspective. I summed it up pretty well with "What do I want this new year to look like for me?" That is a very good question.

So, Tuesday being the first day of my mini-challenge, you'd expect that I went home, was strong and walked past the TV to the kitchen, where I made a healthy dinner and then was productive the rest of the evening, right?

Yeah, no. That definitely did not happen. Bad habits are hard to break. It's funny as I've already given up TV before and for way longer than a couple of days. But it was hard.

And, honestly, I failed.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to admit that to people. I was really really reeeeally tempted to lie or avoid the truth about what actually happened last night. But that would be wrong. The truth will set you free, right? So I'm telling the truth. Here is my story:

I worked open to close yesterday. That is not an excuse, just a fact. It's a ten-hour work day, give or take, which is a long time to be stuck in the box that is my office building. So, when I got off work, I was not in the mood to "be good."

First, I had to "run a few errands". At least, that is how I described it to my co-worker when she asked about my evening. Yes, I had to run and pick up a few things. At the mall. At Dillards. In the bra section. Let's just say, with recent weight gain, some things were getting a little....tight. The problem, however, was after that. I lingered in the store. I shopped around. I very nearly bought more than I was supposed to, things I didn't need. I was only shopping because of a long cruddy day. It's one of my mechanisms, like eating. It's also why I have budgeting problems.

But that's not the failure. The failure came later....

On my way out of the mall, I bought a cinnamon roll. For the record, it was delicious. But I didn't need it. I didn't need to spend the money on it, or the calories. But that isn't the failure either.

I got home, greeted my cat, and stripped off my coat and jacket etc. Then I stood in my living room staring at my television. Specifically, the power button. I wrestled with myself for probably ten seconds. I knew I was taking a break from it. I shouldn't turn it on. I said I wouldn't. But I was tired, and a relaxing evening in front of Netflix was tempting....oh so tempting.

Then.... *dramatic music* I pressed the power button. Yes, I gave in and watched TV after I said I wouldn't. I told myself it was okay because no one would ever find out. Who would know? Who would even really care?

But that's not the point. The point is I said I was going to do something--something that would do be a load of good--and I went back on my word. It doesn't matter that no one will find out (though, now they do) it matters that I broke the promise, even if it was just a promise to myself.

The consequences of it, of course, was that I didn't do anything else. I watched Netflix, made a quick, easy dinner, and sat on the sofa and ate my chicken and rice while watching a fantasy romance movie. I didn't do the dishes. I didn't do any laundry. I didn't think about what I wanted, what I desired, or how to accomplish it. I didn't refocus. I was focused on the same thing I always am--my stomach and the TV.

I hated myself for it. When the movie ended, I promptly switched it off and climbed into bed, feeling guilty for what I'd done. It may not sound like a huge deal. It's not a big sin. It's not much of a sin at all. I just watched a little television, right? But it's not about what I did but more about what I didn't do. I didn't keep my promise.

I wrote a short entry in my journal last night about it. Still sort of finding excuses for myself. No one will know. I'll just start again tomorrow. It's fine. No big deal. I had a good reason for doing it....

Then the guilt and conviction set in a little deeper. It's not fine. It's not okay. It is a big deal. If I can't go one day without something as frivolous as TV, how do I expect to ever have the will and motivation to give up something I enjoy even more--junk food.

This brings me to this morning and my renewed spirit. I packed a healthy lunch (fruit, pretzels, and a turkey sandwich) and, on my way out the door, I grabbed my copy of Made to Crave by Lisa Terkeurst.

I've read the book before. I did a study group with some women from church a few summers back, and it went really well. Its not about weight, but about cravings. What am I craving vs. what SHOULD I be craving? AKA: God.

Instead of playing on my phone as usual (slow morning at work) I pulled out my book and read the introduction. Just the introduction. (so far). Let me just say this: Never in my life has eight pages ever spoken so directly to my heart.

I have, in the past, had the intention of re-reading the study, but I always set it aside and never finished it. I think I've read the first chapter five times, though the other chapters have only been read once. I am hoping this time is different. I feel like it is.

The introduction is called "Finding your 'want to'" . This is an important first step, despite it's lesser "introduction" status. Often people skip right over introductions in books, but in this case, they'd be missing a key part of the journey: you have to know what you want.

Ironic that this was the very thing I intended to figure out this week.

Lisa says on the first page, "It's not the 'how to' I'm missing. It's the 'want to'... really wanting to make changes and deciding that the results of those changes are worth the sacrifice" (page 11).

This is a very big deal of a statement, and hits hard like a brick wall to my face. I know how to do it. I know the drill. Eat right. Excersise. blah blah blah. I know how.

But my "want to" has to be worth the sacrfice of my junk food, the sacrifice of my lazy nights on the sofa. But, as she says later, "shallow desires produce only shallow efforts" (page 16).

Explanation? I can't just want to look better in a swimsuit. I can't just want to be skinny for skinny's sake. For so long, I wanted to lose weight because society said I wasn't beautiful unless I did. Fat, overweight, chubby girls are not pretty, according to media. No one wants to be with the fat girl. So lose weight, and suddenly--poof!--you'll be popular and pretty and your true love will ride up on his white steed--or red sports car--and you'll drive off into the sunset together. And all because you got skinny.

That is what my mind told me for a long time. It still tries to tell me that, and I have to force myself to fight it with every fiber of my being because, in case you weren't already aware, THAT IS A LIE!

But "shallow desires" can be interrpreted in a number of ways. That is just my big one. The point is, if that's the only reason I want it, then I will never be successful. My "want to" has to go deeper. Lisa splits it into three categories: Spiritually, Physically, and Mentally. Each part has its place, and an important one, but they are linked to the source--the deeper "want to" that we are implored to find in the introduction of her book.

So what is my "want to"? I am physically overweight and spiritually malnourished and mentally... well, its crazy up there. So why do I want to lose weight? Why do I want to be healthy, be active, etc etc blah blah blah?

It can't be for someone else. It can't be because I want to impress someone else. It can't be because I hope, once I am skinny, someone will finally want me.

God already wants me. Already claims me. My "want to" has to be rooted in him, or it will have no success. I've already tried it on my own, and I've failed over and over and over again. I can't beat this by myself. I can't beat this by human willpower alone. I need God, permeating every part of my life in order to find what I've been missing.

There is a lot packed into those first eight pages, a lot of which touched me and spoke to me in a big way. Alas, this post is already pretty long, so I won't get into it. I really recommend that you read it yourself and find out. Hint: It doesn't have to just apply to food.

So. What is my "want to"?

I want to....
crave God instead of food.
grow closer to God instead of closer to the couch.
find fullfillment in God instead of shopping (or other shallow desires).

What are yours?

Don't Be Distrac---Ooh, Shiney!

My cat, Melvin, is distracted easily. He can be napping calmly and then a second later be bolting across the house for reasons unknown. On the flip side of that, he can be playing and chasing after something--usually whatever piece of paper fell on the floor--and then, suddenly, lose interest and walk away as if it never enticed him to begin with. If I didn't know better, I'd think this is a trait he picked up from me. Or me from him. It's hard to tell sometime.

I know, however, that personality traits don't really transfer from human to animal. All cats are easily distracted. All cats are lazy and sleep all day. All cats punish their owner's absence with a face full of fur and a few claws in the shoulder....Or maybe that's just my cat.

Anyway. My point--distraction. It's so easy to fall prey to distractions, isn't it? I mean, I've already been distracted from my point a few times in writing this so far, and I'm only on the third paragraph. How much worse is it in a day? "Hello, How can I --Oh my gosh, did you see how fat that squirrel is? How are you today? Oh, really? Because my mom's sister's husband's brother's cousin's best friend works for Chuck Norris." See? Easy.

Sometimes distraction is a good thing. Distractions are good for getting one's mind off of a currently difficult situation. Just been dumped? Distraction. Wanting to raid the fridge? Distraction. Getting a shot? Distraction. Worried about the monster in your closet? Distraction.

Okay, so the last one really doesn't apply. But you get the idea. They CAN be good things. But on the other hand, they can be just as bad as they are good, if not even worse. It is this particular side of distraction that I am struggling with hard-core lately.

Even as I write this, I struggle with what words to write. I started out wanting to talk about distraction, and what I plan to do about it. But my mind is getting distracted by other problems. Why not talk about eating healthy? Or my weight loss struggles. Or my budgeting issues. Or... Or....a million other things I could talk about instead of addressing the problem at hand. Distractions. 

It is so easy to get disctracted these days. There are so many ways our attention can be pulled that it sometimes makes it difficult to focus in on the things that really matter--the things we should really be spending our time on instead of sitting on the sofa binge-watching nineties television. Yeah, that happens more often than it should.

I'm going to be real honest here for a second. I recently had a basically-four-day weekend. I had Friday, most of Saturday, Sunday, and all day Monday to get stuff done. Did I do any of it? Nope. My dishes are still sitting in a pile on the counter. My laundry is still in a heap in my closet. My paint stuff is scattered across my coffee table and my sewing project is strewn on my bedroom chair and the floor around it. I have a pile of jewelry on my dresser that needs to be hung up and organized and not to mention the floors that need swept and vaccuumed, or the bed that isn't made, or the litter box that needs cleaned out. Oh, and the trash taken out.

I had all weekend to do these things. Honestly, it probably wouldn't have taken very long if I had just gotten up and done them. Maybe Friday I do the dishes, and Sunday do laundry, etc. Really, how bad would it have been? But no. I got distracted. And not good distracted, either. Bad distracted. Bad lazy on-the-couch-all-day sleep-in and avoid my to-do list distracted. You want to know what I did instead? I watched Netflix. I messed around with some painting. I cooked, making more dishes I didn't do. I lounged in my pajamas for most of the day. And, oh yeah, watched more Netflix.

It was bad. It was also when I realized that I am now gaining weight again instead of losing it--and not for the good reasons, like gaining muscle. Nope. Just good old fashioned gaining weight. My clothes are just a tad too tight again. My face and chest are breaking out in acne--Ach! My motivation to do anything is gone, and because I am doing nothing, I feel gross and guilty and awful so I turn to my old favorites to make me feel better--food and shopping. Which isn't good for the numbers on the scale or in my checkbook.

So. That brings me to the next part of this: What am I going to do about it? Well, I thought about it long and hard...Okay, I thought about it for like ten minutes while I wrote in my journal complaining. Still. I thought about it.

This week, I want to get rid of some of my big distractions. Namely TV, Facebook, and electronic games. I can spend hours wasting time with the above three things. Big Fat Distractors. So I'm taking a week off from them. Starting today, Tuesday, through Saturday, I am not going to watch TV, get on Facebook, or play games on my phone. For one week. Well, most of a week.

I intend to use the time similarly to the time spent during my 101 day challenge of no TV. Use the time gained without those Big Fat Distractors for being A) Productive and B) Contemplative.

Okay, so it basically boils down to is this:

What do I want this next year to look like for me and how do I intend to make that happen?

 I realize this is a few weeks late of the new year, but its better late than never, right?

You'd have thought I would've figured all this out during the whole 101 Days challenge thing, right? Yeah, well, like I said, I tend to get distracted and procrastinate on things.

So, I'm doing it again, a mini-version this time. For now, I'm starting with a week. Maybe next week I will decide to extend it, or adjust the parameters. Either way, something needs to change. I need to regroup, refocus, and renew. I sound a little like a cross between a yoga commerical and a recycling campaign, but hey, it works for now.

Details to come. Maybe. If I remember. Or don't put it off. Or get distracted...

Wait, what was I saying?  

#dailystruggle

Life is a daily struggle. We all have been there in some way or another. Life is hard. End of story.

But it is time for me to be honest about a few things. I don't really talk about it with many people. Really, I've only spoken of it with one, maybe two people, I think. It's a realization that has been hard to come to over the years and one that is even harder to admit to the world. Even if its the little world of the two people who actually read this.

I started this blog months ago when I started on a journey of 101 days of no TV. I did so in hopes of finding myself, of coming out the other end of the 101 days with a renewed vision of who I was, what I wanted in life, and a motivation to go after it. I tried. I really did. And I don't regret those 101 days. I did learn a lot.

I learned that I cannot do it alone. I learned that I get bored easily, and when I get bored, I eat. Or shop. I learned that I struggle to finish things that were started with the best of intentions. I learned that I love my family dearly, more than anything else in this world. I also learned that old habits die hard.

The day after my challenge ended, I spent nearly the entire day watching Netflix--namely, Doctor Who. This was the exact sort of behavior that was the reason I started the challenge in the first place and yet, after so much time trying to combat it, I slid right back into the old  habits.

For years, my self-esteem sunk lower and lower because of my pre-conceived notions about what a person was supposed to be like. Work hard. Eat right. Exercise daily. Go out with friends. Meet a special someone. Marry them and have babies. Pursue your dream without ceasing. Go to church every Sunday and be glad and happy to do all of the above.

Spoiler: That is not who I am.

I struggle with motivation--to start things, and then to complete them once started. So I was told I'm lazy. I struggle with eating right and exercising so I'm told I'm an unattractive fat girl. I don't always want to go out. Sometimes I want to be home alone in my sweats watching "Friends". So I'm told I'm an antisocial freak who needs to "get out more and see the sun". I haven't met that "special someone" nor do I go on dates, so I'm told I'm going to be an old maid and a crazy cat lady, which is bad and pretty sad. I have dreams, but I pursue them in my own way, at my own pace and, often times, struggle with my own inadequacy and a fear of rejection to the point of freezing and not doing anything at all. So I'm told I'm not good enough or that I'm not enough of a "go-getter". I don't go to church every Sunday because most days I don't want to get out of bed at all. I sleep a lot. So I'm told I'm a lazy heathen.

Do you get the idea?

For so long, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. That I was the only one who was like this, and it meant I was a freak who must fight against every instinct I have to fit in and be like everyone else.

Let me tell you something. That doesn't work.

People say all kinds of things they think are helpful. Buck up. Deal with it. Fake it until you make it. Maybe you don't want it hard enough. Don't be lazy. Get over it.

Let me tell you something. That doesn't work either.

Do you tell someone with a broken leg to buck up, deal with it, and go run a few miles? Fake it until you make it, boy, it's just a broken leg!

No, you don't. For the same reason, you can't tell someone with depression and anxiety to buck up and deal with it. You just don't want it enough, girl. Try harder. Get over it. 

You know, it's really difficult to try harder when there is a brick wall in front of you, twenty feet high, and you're supposed to just keep walking as if it isn't there. Like it isn't looming over you, constantly reminding you of your shortcomings, your failures. Telling you everything that could possibly go wrong. Taking away your motivation and your ability to see the silver lining of the dark cloud hanging over your head.

That was a lot of metaphor, and I apologize. But its a difficult thing to describe, dealing with depression. Everyone's depression is different just like every person is different. It's a silent ailment that most people never see because it is socially "wrong" to be depressed. Its depressing when someone struggles with depression.

No one understands when you can't get out of bed in the morning, or why you don't want to go out and get out of the house. There are days that I just can't deal with people. (It's really too bad I work in customer service!) There are days I just don't feel like getting dressed. There are also days I feel motivated and awesome and like I can take on the world. But those moods are delicate and sometimes fairly fleeting.

Some people will say that I am crazy. That I am using the label of depression to misplace the blame of my own lack-luster life.

Others will say they understand. They'll say they've been there or they are are, and that I am not alone.

Some won't say anything. They'll read this and silently judge me one way or another and never say anything to me about what they think of me.

But I just want to say a few things-

It was extremely hard to write this. As I write this, I am debating whether or not to even post it. It took a lot to write it, and it'll take a lot more to post it online.

I struggle with depression. I struggle with anxiety. They do no define me, but they are still a large part of my life and who I am. I have to come to terms with that and I am still learning how to deal with it. It's a daily struggle and one I don't always win.

Today I didn't get out bed until noon.

But I took a shower. I got dressed. I wrote this blog post.

I spent the afternoon on the couch watching Netflix on my vacation.

You win some, you lose some. It's a daily struggle. Sometimes a minute-by-minute struggle. Its a struggle I cannot take on alone, and one I am tired of being silent about.

So that's it. Take it or leave it.

Day 101

Exactly 101 days ago, I decided to go without TV. The decision came with some rules, of course. It would not be a permanent change. I would still be allowed one movie a week, with exceptions for special occasions (a "special occasion" defined as a social interaction of some sort with other people. "People" defined as someone other than my cat).

Now, 101 days later, it is about to come to an end. I have to say, I have mixed feelings about it. Part of me is a little sad that it is over. It was kind of fun, challenging myself to find new things to do every day with my spare time.

For about three weeks I had it in my head that I had to use the time to clean more. I am not a neat-and-tidy type person. I am an organized mess type of person.

Granted, I try to clean up when company is coming. This usually results in a five minute cleaning freak-out moment where I am frantically running around the house throwing away trash and tossing clothes into my closet. And then tossing anything else laying around without a place into the closet as well. Then closing the closet door. As if my mother really believes I keep the house that tidy all the time....relatively.

But for the first three weeks, if I didn't do the housework, I would feel guilty about being "unproductive" with my time.

This lasted, as I said, for about three weeks, at which point I realized I am not that sort of person. I do like it when the house is clean, but if it is a little messy, or the laundry hasn't been done in a few weeks, I am not going to stress out about it. Mostly, first off, because I live alone. It doesn't affect anyone but me. And the cat doesn't give two shakes if I do the dishes or not. Secondly, because I like a house that looks a little lived in. I know, I know, there is a difference between "lived in" and "pigsty".

But that is not the point. My point was that I stopped feeling guilty about not being a cleaner. My mom is a cleaner. My sister is a cleaner. I am not. It is just who I am. #sorrynotsorry.

This was a good realization, however. I wanted to spend the 101 days doing things for me—doing things that made me happy. Finding myself. I found I don't like to clean. Yes, Mom, I do still clean the house. But I can go to bed with a sink-full of dishes and not lose any sleep over it. Not that this is any news to you.

 I had this grand idea, starting out, that I would go out all the time. Go out on the weekends all the time, hang with friends, make new ones, and maybe even get a date or two. Hey, I had 101 days—anything could happen, right?

I soon realized I am not an extroverted person. My sister is an extrovert. My mom is an extrovert. I am not.

Yes, Mom, I still hang out with my friends. Yes, I leave the house and "see the sun" on the weekends. Just because I didn't text you back, doesn't mean I'm dead or depressed. It means I am an introvert who wanted to spend a day in solitude. Sometimes the solitude includes my cat. Sometimes it includes the trees at the park, or shelves of books at the library.

It took about another week to realize this—not being a cleaner or an extrovert— is not a bad thing. It is just who I am.

That being said, I still did quite a bit, in my opinion, over the 101 days. I didn't go skydiving or see the ocean or even go on a date. But I did do things—a lot of them small things—that made me happy. Let me give you some of the highlights:

I –

            hung out with my dad, just me and him

            hung out with my mom, just me and her

            spent time with my nephews

            spent time with the whole gang

            spent time with the extended family

            spent time with my best friends

            celebrated my 25th birthday

            celebrated my friend's new house

            celebrated my other friend's wedding

            celebrated Friday

            painted and sketched

            went on long walks

            read over a dozen books (I didn't actually keep count)

            wrote the beginning of about a hundred different stories

            deleted the beginning of about a hundred different stories

            wrote poetry

            finished a novel

            prepared to write a sequel to said finished novel

            explored my love of music

            discovered I write best to film scores

            re-discovered my love of dancing

            explored my talents in cooking

            discovered I am not a great cook

            discovered I do like zucchini

            went to Nebraska alone for a weekend (wedding)

            saw old friends

            met a few new ones

            dieted

            stopped dieting

            dieted again

            hung curtains

            got dad's help hanging curtains...

            went to a play

            worked on crocheting a blanket

            abandoned crocheting a blanket....

            sewed my costume for Renaissance Festival

            Got lost going to the Renaissance Festival....

            spent a day as a pirate with my friend, the gypsy

            decided I want to do a 5k...eventually

            submitted a story to a publisher

            got rejected by a publisher

            submitted a few poems to a literary journal

            got rejected by a literary journal

            applied for dream job

            got rejected by dream job

            applied for a part-time second job

            received part-time second job offer

            decided I did not need a second job

            declined job offer

            did the dishes

            scrubbed the bathtub

            had a laundry marathon

            changed my first diaper

            changed my second, third, fourth and fifth diapers....

            gave up soda

            started drinking soda again....

            cut back on soda....

            got too much sleep

            didn't get enough sleep

            drank A LOT of tea

            had the first cup of hot chocolate of the year

            hung shelves and pictures (with help)

            mowed the lawn

            was blessed when someone else mowed my lawn....

            was blessed again when someone swept my front walk clear of leaves

            had brakes replaced in the car

            got a flat tire on the way to work

            got two new tires

           

I could probably go on for quite a bit longer, even, but you I think you get the idea. There are some big things on that list. But there are also quite a bit of not so big things. There are good ones, and bad ones, sad and happy days. There are things I wish I had done, and things I wish I hadn't...or wish I could've avoided.

But that is life. I spent so much time on the couch, in front of my TV, I forgot to live life—forgot how to live life! If nothing else, I am glad I did this challenge for that fact alone—I found my life again. It's not perfect. It's not everything I wish it was, but it is mine, and I need to live it instead of mope through it.

I struggle with depression. I struggle with a lot of things. I also struggle to find the right word for a poem or a sentence in a novel. I struggle with finances. I also struggle to read for hours without getting a backache. I struggle with a caffeine problem. I also struggle to hang things straight. I struggle with my weight. I also struggle with directions and doing the dishes.

But not everything in my life is a struggle. Not everything in my life is a failure—and not all failures are bad.

It took 101 days to realize that these things are not bad things. They do not mean I am a failure anymore than they mean I am a success. It just means I am me. It took me 101 days to figure out how to be happy with that.

I am still a work in progress. Before I said there were things I wish I had done in the last 101 days, and I meant it. I also meant it when I said I was sad it was ending. To be fair, I will be glad to be able to watch TV again, and I will probably have a Doctor Who marathon tomorrow, just to be honest.

But I want to keep challenging myself. I want to keep pushing myself to do better—to be a better version of me.

November 1st marks the beginning of National Novel Writing Month or, as it's known, NaNoWriMo. The challenge is to write a novel, 40,000 words, during the month of November. I did it last year, and while I wrote the required number of words, I did not actually finish the novel.

This year, that is my goal. I am going to write the sequel to the novel I just finished, a fantasy story about four or five people who are given unique abilities to control the elements. The novel I just finished was about Miressa, who can control nature. The sequel is about Violet, who controls water. I am actually really excited about it!

That is my new challenge for the month of November—write, to its completion, my new novel. After that is done, I will find a new challenge. Maybe I'll work on that 5k I want to do.... or maybe I'll find something else. Who knows. I just know I want to keep challenging myself.

It also means I will continue to post updates on my newest challenges and how I am doing here on this blog. I realize the blog's title is about my 101 days of no TV, but I think that can be overlooked. The challenge of finding myself and becoming better is an ever-evolving challenge in itself, right?

Thank you to everyone who has followed along with me during the last 101 days, and who have supported me in various ways, be it encouragement or prayer or whatever else. I appreciate it so much!

Now I challenge you—whoever may be still reading this—to challenge yourself. It doesn't have to be for 101 days like mine was, or even for a month. It could be a small week-long challenge, or day-long. Find something—something that makes you happy, makes you better. You will be glad you did. I promise.