#dailystruggle

Life is a daily struggle. We all have been there in some way or another. Life is hard. End of story.

But it is time for me to be honest about a few things. I don't really talk about it with many people. Really, I've only spoken of it with one, maybe two people, I think. It's a realization that has been hard to come to over the years and one that is even harder to admit to the world. Even if its the little world of the two people who actually read this.

I started this blog months ago when I started on a journey of 101 days of no TV. I did so in hopes of finding myself, of coming out the other end of the 101 days with a renewed vision of who I was, what I wanted in life, and a motivation to go after it. I tried. I really did. And I don't regret those 101 days. I did learn a lot.

I learned that I cannot do it alone. I learned that I get bored easily, and when I get bored, I eat. Or shop. I learned that I struggle to finish things that were started with the best of intentions. I learned that I love my family dearly, more than anything else in this world. I also learned that old habits die hard.

The day after my challenge ended, I spent nearly the entire day watching Netflix--namely, Doctor Who. This was the exact sort of behavior that was the reason I started the challenge in the first place and yet, after so much time trying to combat it, I slid right back into the old  habits.

For years, my self-esteem sunk lower and lower because of my pre-conceived notions about what a person was supposed to be like. Work hard. Eat right. Exercise daily. Go out with friends. Meet a special someone. Marry them and have babies. Pursue your dream without ceasing. Go to church every Sunday and be glad and happy to do all of the above.

Spoiler: That is not who I am.

I struggle with motivation--to start things, and then to complete them once started. So I was told I'm lazy. I struggle with eating right and exercising so I'm told I'm an unattractive fat girl. I don't always want to go out. Sometimes I want to be home alone in my sweats watching "Friends". So I'm told I'm an antisocial freak who needs to "get out more and see the sun". I haven't met that "special someone" nor do I go on dates, so I'm told I'm going to be an old maid and a crazy cat lady, which is bad and pretty sad. I have dreams, but I pursue them in my own way, at my own pace and, often times, struggle with my own inadequacy and a fear of rejection to the point of freezing and not doing anything at all. So I'm told I'm not good enough or that I'm not enough of a "go-getter". I don't go to church every Sunday because most days I don't want to get out of bed at all. I sleep a lot. So I'm told I'm a lazy heathen.

Do you get the idea?

For so long, I thought I was the only one who felt this way. That I was the only one who was like this, and it meant I was a freak who must fight against every instinct I have to fit in and be like everyone else.

Let me tell you something. That doesn't work.

People say all kinds of things they think are helpful. Buck up. Deal with it. Fake it until you make it. Maybe you don't want it hard enough. Don't be lazy. Get over it.

Let me tell you something. That doesn't work either.

Do you tell someone with a broken leg to buck up, deal with it, and go run a few miles? Fake it until you make it, boy, it's just a broken leg!

No, you don't. For the same reason, you can't tell someone with depression and anxiety to buck up and deal with it. You just don't want it enough, girl. Try harder. Get over it. 

You know, it's really difficult to try harder when there is a brick wall in front of you, twenty feet high, and you're supposed to just keep walking as if it isn't there. Like it isn't looming over you, constantly reminding you of your shortcomings, your failures. Telling you everything that could possibly go wrong. Taking away your motivation and your ability to see the silver lining of the dark cloud hanging over your head.

That was a lot of metaphor, and I apologize. But its a difficult thing to describe, dealing with depression. Everyone's depression is different just like every person is different. It's a silent ailment that most people never see because it is socially "wrong" to be depressed. Its depressing when someone struggles with depression.

No one understands when you can't get out of bed in the morning, or why you don't want to go out and get out of the house. There are days that I just can't deal with people. (It's really too bad I work in customer service!) There are days I just don't feel like getting dressed. There are also days I feel motivated and awesome and like I can take on the world. But those moods are delicate and sometimes fairly fleeting.

Some people will say that I am crazy. That I am using the label of depression to misplace the blame of my own lack-luster life.

Others will say they understand. They'll say they've been there or they are are, and that I am not alone.

Some won't say anything. They'll read this and silently judge me one way or another and never say anything to me about what they think of me.

But I just want to say a few things-

It was extremely hard to write this. As I write this, I am debating whether or not to even post it. It took a lot to write it, and it'll take a lot more to post it online.

I struggle with depression. I struggle with anxiety. They do no define me, but they are still a large part of my life and who I am. I have to come to terms with that and I am still learning how to deal with it. It's a daily struggle and one I don't always win.

Today I didn't get out bed until noon.

But I took a shower. I got dressed. I wrote this blog post.

I spent the afternoon on the couch watching Netflix on my vacation.

You win some, you lose some. It's a daily struggle. Sometimes a minute-by-minute struggle. Its a struggle I cannot take on alone, and one I am tired of being silent about.

So that's it. Take it or leave it.