The dragon is dead! This was the chant in my head this morning as I carefully poked my head out my front door and looked around my front porch. If you follow my statuses (or is it supposed to be like octopus - octopi? stati?) on Facebook at all the past few days you will know exactly what I am talking about.
The last few days, a giant spider has been living on my porch. It set up camp between my mail box and the pole, which happens to be right next to the door, and, particularly, the doorknob.
The first day I saw it I may have yelped in fear and shock. I really hadn't been expecting to walk out my front door at 6 am and be face to face with a giant, beige spider. There was definitely yelping... Then I silently prayed and hoped and wished that it would be gone by the time I had to be home later that afternoon.
That day I happened to have a half-day at work, so I got home around 1 pm and--behold!--no spider! Upon looking around, I realized my landlord had been there--the trimming was done and the weeds pulled from the rocks in my front garden. He had also dropped a copy of the lease off--long story--for me and must've seen the thing. It's hard to miss, really. I was just thankful he got rid of it.
Or so I thought.... Alas, the following morning, the guy was back. I stood as far back as I possibly could to lock the door and darted for my car! The ugly guy was squatting right in the middle of the web, bouncing and wiggling and freaking me out! So I ran.
I thought about it all day at work--the spider I had to face upon coming home. I dreaded it. It made my skin crawl. (If you haven't figured this out, I am incredibly scared of spiders.) So I made a trip to Menards and bought a can of Raid (well, the eco-friendly, kid-friendly, pet-friendly kind. It was the only one that specifically said spiders).
When I got home, I stood several feet back and sprayed the whole dang can all over my porch, concentrating on the area where Mr. Spider had set up his home. Then I walked around my house to the back door, grabbed the broom that I knew was there, and came back to the front door, armed and ready. Just in case.
I swatted at a few smaller spiders, and swept some cicada carcasses off the porch, but there was no sign of Mr. Spider.... Then I saw him, crawling around the numbers on the side of my house, hiding behind the 2. I swatted at him with the broom, but he was out of reach. I couldn't get to him.
Eventually I couldn't see him so I hurried inside. I waited, looking out the window in my door to see if I could see him crawling around or trying to build a new web. I couldnt' see anything. So I got out the Ortho-max.
I have two front doors--a screen door and a regular door, both with windows. I opened the regular door and peered around again, then cracked open the screen door, just wide enough for my arm to stretch through and spray the Ortho around my porch-- again, concentrated where I'd last seen Mr. Spider. Then I grabbed the broom. I checked the handle to make sure nothing had crawled onto it since I'd last had it--getting super paranoid at this point--and swatted around the porch some more. But he was still there, crawling along the roof of my porch stoop, alive and well. I wanted to scream in frustration.
"The little devil just won't die!" I exclaimed. Melvin looked at me funny after that one.
So next, I ran to the bathroom and grabbed the hairspray. It was a little stunned from the ortho, so I was able to spray it with the hairspray pretty accurately, hoping it would at least slow him down or suffocate him or something. He just wiggled a little and then tried to hide.
Paranoid, frustrated, and freaking out, I stomped into the bedroom. This was war. So I had to get battle ready!
I had been wearing the dress I'd worn to work and sandals. But that, of course, would never do when battling dragons--er, I mean, spiders. So I donned my armor accordingly.
I put on black leggings (tight, so nothing can crawl up my pant leg) and black socks, pulled up on the outside of the leggings (again, so nothing can crawl inside). Then I put on my best spider-smashing shoes.
But I wasn't done yet. My dress was sleeveless, and I realized that something could still fall onto my shoulder or crawl up my arm. So I pulled out a long-sleeve shirt from the winter-section of my closet (it was pink, in case you needed to know) and put it on as well, pulling my pretty purple-and-yellow-satin-flowered dress over the top of all of it. THEN I dug out my winter gloves from my coat--black leather--which were at the bottom of a pile of jackets in a box. I put up my hair in a bun and grabbed the swiffer and I was ready to rumble!
You should've seen me in my war gear! It was quite a sight to behold! I was completely ridiculous, but at the time, I didn't want to take any chances! If I was going to battle a spider, I wanted to be prepared for anything! Every good warrior must be properly attired and armed for battle! Duh!
So, with a swiffer in one hand, a broom in the other, and can of hairspray on the table behind me, I cracked open the screen door one more time....
BAM BAM SMOOOOooosh. Got him! *victory squeal followed by a squeal of disgust*
Mr. Spider curled up (dead, I hoped) in a little hole on top of the pole, and I swept him away with the broom and onto the cement steps. I didn't actually see if he was dead or if he crawled away.... I reeeaaally hoped for dead. I set the swiffer aside, no longer needing it's skills, and brought out the broom.
Glancing up and down the street to see if anyone was around that would see me, I stepped onto the porch--cautiously, of course--in my war gear and swept off my front porch and steps, keeping an eye out for spider carcasses or other bugs and pests that I might need to kill. All clear. No sign of anything. With a clean, clear, and spider-free front porch, I was finally able to breathe easy!
Though, of course, I had the creepy-crawlies the rest of the night, jumping at every little hair that brushed across my skin. And there are spider guts on the bottom of my swiffer... but that's okay! I can deal with that! Because, as of this morning, there was no sign of Mr. Spider or his web of doom! I call that a win!
In other news, in mostly all of my spare time, when I'm not slaying spider-dragons, I have been working on my writing. I played with colored pencils and markers the other day and drew several versions of the same map (basic, geographical, and political, obviously) for a story. I also created a fun title banner for another story I've been playing with, along with some hard-core idea mapping. Whether or not any of these things end up coming to fruition, let alone completion, is another matter entirely....
The only downside is, while I've been away in my creative mindset, the dishes have sort of piled a little, as has the laundry...and I really need to vacuum... But its fair to say the writer's block is gone. And the spider.
Win-win!
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